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"The
Need to feed"
 My name is Anita Ayers. I am originally from Indianapolis, Indiana. I now live
in St. Petersburg Florida with my husband Al, my sons Adam, Josh my granddaughter Chasity, and my youngest brother Brian. Like so many others we came from a home
that put the "D" in dysfunctional. My father was an alcoholic and a pedophile.
My mother was a Christian called to be a minister and in many ways a "victim."
My childhood was fraught with the perils of poverty, sexual abuse, physical
abuse and neglect. At intermittent moments I was exposed to church and people
who talked about God. My mother would periodically return to her roots of the
Pentecostal church only to lose the vision and resort back to her victim
mentality. My concept of God was confused to say the least.
As a small child I remember the precise moment that I became aware of God in a
personal way. I was in the basement classroom of Charity Tabernacle in
Indianapolis In. The teacher was using a felt board to illustrate her lesson.
She had colorful cut outs of Jesus and his disciples with little children
gathered around him. Her text was Matthew 19:13-15. As she began to teach about
the disciples rebuking those who brought their children to Jesus I immediately
felt the rejection in the passage. I had felt that rejection many times from
adults, I usually ran around looking like a street urchin having no one to see
to my needs. When the teacher continued and told us that Jesus insisted they
allow the children to get close to him, my heart leapt within me. Then the
teacher asked if anyone would like to receive Jesus into their heart so that He
would never leave them. I shot my hand up into the air, for I so desperately
wanted this strong loving person to stay with me. As I spoke the simple words I
felt his presence engulf me. For the next five to six years of my life I always
felt he was with me, even in the darkest moments of my childhood.
At the tender age of 13 another defining moment took place for me at Charity
Tabernacle. I had always admired the co-pastor Hazel Gibson. She was a woman in
a position of authority, that alone was out of the ordinary in 1971 and she
could preach with great anointing. It seemed like such a stark contrast to my
mother who had been abused by my father and taken advantage of by many other
people. As I was taking steps into the drug culture and rebelling against the
things God had began to teach me, I knew I was slipping away from my constant
companion. One Sunday night Hazel looked out at me in the back of the sanctuary
and said to my mother, "Delores I want you to bring that youngest girl of yours
up here to this altar and we are going to lay hands on her and pray. I watched
her walking across the parking lot Saturday evening and I saw a cloud of demons
hovering above her head trying to devour her." I shook my head not wanting to go
up as my mother stood to take me by the arm insisting I had no choice but to
cooperate. I stood at the altar with my head bowed trying to be respectful as
she anointed me with oil and laid her hand on my forehead. I was thinking about
how I couldn't wait to get out of there and get back to my real life. She
finished praying and stepped back to look at me as if she were peering into my
soul. Then she told the congregation to stand up and clap their hands to the
glory of God. I continued to stand head bowed waiting for this to end. She then
stepped up and took both of my hands raising them into the air and touched my
forehead with her hand. I dropped to the floor as though I had been zapped by
lighting. I did not feel myself hit the floor and suffered no bruising from the
fall. I lost consciousness for several seconds and when I came to I felt as weak
as a kitten.
For the next three days the spirit of God dealt with me. I knew that if I turned
away from Him it would hurt me. I could feel him pulling me to follow him and in
my spirit I knew it would be the best thing for me. I wish I could tell you I
heeded His loving voice and His warning but it cuts me to my soul to say I went
the other way. In fact I remember distinctly what I said, "Lord, I think you
have some wonderful qualities but I really don’t understand you. I don’t know
why you let all those bad things happen to a helpless little girl. If I follow
you I will be hurt and sick like my mother. So I guess what I am saying is, you
go your way and I’ll go mine. I won’t do anything against you, but I don’t want
to serve you. I want to live my own life."
And thus began my life of rebellion. I went out into the world to embrace;
drugs, alcohol, sexual sin, the bar life and anything I felt like doing.
Although it is true that sin has its pleasure for a season, that season quickly
came to an end. I was living a life devoid of joy or feeling. I had lost respect
for myself and all of God’s creation. The only reason I did not commit suicide
was because I did not want to inflict that upon my beautiful son Josh that God
had given me.
I was 24 years old and at the pinnacle of my success but I felt I had no reason
to live.
I arrived home from the nightclub I was managing; it was about 4:00 in the
morning. I was goof balling, snorting cocaine to get high and drinking white
wine to come back down. I leaned against the wall across from the mirror in the
½ bath of my town house by the lake. I looked into my eyes reflected in the
mirror and saw a hollow shell of the person I used to know. I felt completely
hopeless and helpless to alter my own life. I had no true laughter in my soul
and could not bring myself to weep for the black emptiness in my heart. I had
betrayed everything I ever held dear and the world itself had betrayed me. I
threw up a Hail Mary prayer that went something like this, "God if you will help
me to get out of this hell I’m living and get my life back on track...I will
serve you for the rest of my life." I turned and went up stairs to pass out
beside my 5 year old son.
With in a few short months I was out of the bar life, going to church and
hopeful about my future. That was 1983. As this ministry progresses I will share
many details of the process with you but for now just know that I have lived
several lifetimes in the last 23 years. I have fought many battles and suffered
many blows from that day to this and I can tell you with absolute assurance;
"Through it all, through it all, I’ve learned to trust in Jesus, I’ve learned to
trust in God. Through it all, through it all, I’ve learned to depend upon His
word!" The Lord has returned to me my dignity, my hope, my joy and my strength.
He has loved me and healed the deepest gaping wounds of my heart. Being the
servant of God has been the toughest job I’ve ever loved. It is my great quest
to be open and transparent before God and cooperate with the process of Him
developing the character and the gifts He placed with in me from the foundation
of the world. It is my sacred honor to be his hand extended reaching out to
those who are hurt and lost to bring them into reconciliation with their Father
and help them to receive the abundant life God has yearned to give them. With
His help I will do all of this and more, so join me...this is the great
adventure!
His willing servant,
Anita Ayers
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