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"The Need to feed"
My name is Anita Ayers. I am originally from
Indianapolis, Indiana. I now live in St. Petersburg
Florida with my husband Al.
Like so many others I came from a home that put the "D"
in dysfunctional. My father was an alcoholic and a
pedophile. My mother was a Christian called to be a
minister and in many ways a "victim." My childhood was
fraught with the perils of poverty, sexual and physical
abuse and neglect.
My mother would periodically return to her roots of the
Pentecostal church only to lose the vision and resort
back to her victim mentality. My concept of God was
confused to say the least.
As a small child I remember the precise moment that I
became aware of God in a personal way. I was in the
basement classroom of Charity Tabernacle in Indianapolis
In. The teacher was using a felt board to illustrate her
lesson. She had colorful cut outs of Jesus
and his disciples with little children gathered around
him. Her text was Matthew 19:13-15. As she began to
teach about the disciples rebuking those who brought
their children to Jesus I immediately felt the rejection
in the passage. I had felt that rejection many times
from adults, I usually ran around looking like a street
urchin having no one to see to my needs. When the
teacher continued and told us that Jesus insisted they
allow the children to get close to him, my heart leapt
within me. Then the teacher asked if anyone would like
to receive Jesus into their heart so that He would never
leave them. I shot my hand up into the air, for I so
desperately wanted this strong loving person to stay
with me. As I spoke the simple words I felt his presence
engulf me. For the next five to six years of my life I
always felt he was with me, even in the darkest moments
of my childhood.
At the tender age of 13 another defining moment took
place for me at Charity Tabernacle. I had always admired
the co-pastor Hazel Gibson. She was a woman in a
position of authority, that alone was out of the
ordinary in 1971 and she could preach with great
anointing. It seemed like such a stark contrast to my
mother who had been abused by my father and taken
advantage of by many other people. As I was taking steps
into the drug culture and rebelling against the things
God had began to teach me, I knew I was slipping away
from my constant companion. One Sunday night Hazel
looked out at me in the back of the sanctuary and said
to my mother, "Delores I want you to bring that youngest
girl of yours up here to this altar and we are going to
lay hands on her and pray. I watched her walking across
the parking lot Saturday evening and I saw a cloud of
demons hovering above her head trying to devour her." I
shook my head not wanting to go up as my mother stood to
take me by the arm insisting I had no choice but to
cooperate. I stood at the altar with my head bowed
trying to be respectful as she anointed me with oil and
laid her hand on my forehead. I was thinking about how I
couldn't wait to get out of there and get back to my
real life. She finished praying and stepped back to look
at me as if she were peering into my soul. Then she told
the congregation to stand up and clap their hands to the
glory of God. I continued to stand head bowed waiting
for this to end. She then stepped up and took both of my
hands raising them into the air and touched my forehead
with her hand. I dropped to the floor as though I had
been zapped by lighting. I did not feel myself hit the
floor and suffered no bruising from the fall. I lost
consciousness for several seconds and when I came to I
felt as weak as a kitten.
For the next three days the spirit of God dealt with me.
I knew that if I turned away from Him it would hurt me.
I could feel him pulling me to follow him and in my
spirit I knew it would be the best thing for me. I wish
I could tell you I heeded His loving voice and His
warning but it cuts me to my soul to say I went the
other way. In fact I remember distinctly what I said,
"Lord, I think you have some wonderful qualities but I
really don’t understand you. I don’t know why you let
all those bad things happen to a helpless little girl.
If I follow you I will be hurt and sick like my mother.
So I guess what I am saying is, you go your way and I’ll
go mine. I won’t do anything against you, but I don’t
want to serve you. I want to live my own life."
And thus began my life of rebellion. I went out into the
world to embrace; drugs, alcohol, sexual sin, the bar
life and anything I felt like doing. Although it is true
that sin has its pleasure for a season, that season
quickly came to an end. I was living a life devoid of
joy or feeling. I had lost respect for myself and all of
God’s creation. The only reason I did not commit suicide
was because I did not want to inflict that upon my
beautiful son Josh that God had given me.
I was 24 years old and at the pinnacle of my success but
I felt I had no reason to live.
I arrived home from the nightclub I was managing; it was
about 4:00 in the morning. I was goof balling, snorting
cocaine to get high and drinking white wine to come back
down. I leaned against the wall across from the mirror
in the ½ bath of my town house by the lake. I looked
into my eyes reflected in the mirror and saw a hollow
shell of the person I used to know. I felt completely
hopeless and helpless to alter my own life. I had no
true laughter in my soul and could not bring myself to
weep for the black emptiness in my heart. I had betrayed
everything I ever held dear and the world itself had
betrayed me. I threw up a Hail Mary prayer that went
something like this, "God if you will help me to get out
of this hell I’m living and get my life back on
track...I will serve you for the rest of my life." I
turned and went up stairs to pass out beside my 5 year
old son.
With in a few short months I was out of the bar life,
going to church and hopeful about my future. That was
1983. As this ministry progresses I will share many
details of the process with you but for now just know
that I have lived several lifetimes in the last 23
years. I have fought many battles and suffered many
blows from that day to this and I can tell you with
absolute assurance; "Through it all, through it all,
I’ve learned to trust in Jesus, I’ve learned to trust in
God. Through it all, through it all, I’ve learned to
depend upon His word!" The Lord has returned to me my
dignity, my hope, my joy and my strength. He has loved
me and healed the deepest gaping wounds of my heart.
Being the servant of God has been the toughest job I’ve
ever loved. It is my great quest to be open and
transparent before God and cooperate with the process of
Him developing the character and the gifts He placed
with in me from the foundation of the world. It is my
sacred honor to be his hand extended reaching out to
those who are hurt and lost to bring them into
reconciliation with their Father and help them to
receive the abundant life God has yearned to give them.
With His help I will do all of this and more, so join
me...this is the great adventure!
His willing servant,
Anita Ayers
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